Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
