you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
