Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
