she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
