Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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