o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
