there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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