oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
