Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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