Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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