M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
50% drunk capacity currently
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
