apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
