I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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