bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
