Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
