and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My cat gives me a boner
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
