I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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