just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
