i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
