So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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