The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
