Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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