seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
