you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
