i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's rum buckets o'clock
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WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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