I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
