I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
