She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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