you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
