He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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