Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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