i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
