Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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