watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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