I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
