do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
