i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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