I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
