I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
