So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
