You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
