I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just tell him i said nine months
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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