I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Randomize
