did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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