Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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