So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
