My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
