Who wears a wallet chain?!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
