This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
