Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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