somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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