ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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