I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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