i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
