wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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