somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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