I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
