if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
